My Legacy

As I mentioned in my last post, we lost a neighbor and friend last week and M's aunt the week before that.  Two funerals in ten days kind of gets a person thinking about their own mortality.  It does me, anyway.  Maybe that's part of why I hate funerals.  Like most people, I don't want to think about that stuff.  And my husband REALLY doesn't want to think about that stuff.  We're both pretty lucky that longevity runs in our genes.

Our neighbor had had a bout with cancer a few years ago and some other health issues at times so he and his wife had discussed what kind of funeral they wanted.  I always tell M that if he's having a funeral I'm not going, and I'm afraid no one would come to mine!  We are very private (borderline antisocial?) people and the thought of a big to-do just freaks us out.  After the last funeral I told M that I just couldn't imagine myself in my friend's position, losing a husband.  He said maybe I won't because he'll take me with him.  That would be okay with me.  His usual answer about what he'd want is, "I don't care.  You just handle it."  So, then I told him I hope I go first so he'd have to deal with something on his own for a change!

At our neighbor's vigil someone commented that sometimes you'll read a glowing obituary and think "that's not the person I knew", but our neighbor really was that nice.  I don't think anyone ever had anything bad to say about him.  He was kind, honorable, involved in the community, just an all-around great guy. 

That started me thinking about what people would say about me when I'm gone, and I felt kind of sad because I don't think anyone knows the real me.  Sometimes I even feel a bit invisible.  Could anyone write an accurate obituary or give a good eulogy?  Will my boys remember me as a great mom or just a mediocre one?  Will my grandchild(ren)have learned something from me?  Did I touch someone's life somehow?  Was I the perfect wife?  I can answer that one, no!  Was I a good friend?  I tried to be, I meant to be, but it's hard to put myself out there, and I'm not much fun.  They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I'm full of good intentions, but I don't think hell is where I'm headed.  Did I make good use of my talents?  Again, I can answer that one, no!  Hopefully, I have lots of years ahead of me to work on a few things.

I've told my boys that they can put me in a pine box and save the money for a big monument on the hill behind my house (lighted, of course, and with a fence around it so the cows can't rub on it).  I may not have been noticed while alive, but I'll be noticed when I'm dead.  I also told them that I want my headstone to say "she just wanted things to make sense", and I want to be buried in my Steelers gear because no one else will want it.  I may have made a mistake, though, when I told them that if I ever have to go to a nursing home just run me over with a truck.  One of the boys seemed a little overeager.

See why I hate funerals.....they make me think too much.