Over It

I haven't posted in a while, and I guess you could say I'm over it.  In fact, right now I'm over most everything in my life.

It has been another challenging year on the farm/ranch.  We had record cold and stormy and snowy weather during calving.  The temperatures were below zero in mid April and three weeks later it was 80 in May.  We lost more calves than we'd ever want to--from being trampled when all the cows were trying to get out of the wind to seeming fine and then dying two weeks later from late effects of frostbite.  Some have pretty short ears and one lost a foot from being frozen....and the guys lost countless hours of sleep trying to keep them all alive.  We usually enjoy calving, but this year we were kind of over it by the end.

We had some good snowmelt to get us started in the spring and a few rain showers early but lately we've missed a lot of storms and the situation is becoming dire.  The pasture grass has really gone downhill in the past few days and some of the crops have reached the point of no return.  What is so disheartening is that we don't have to go very far south or east to get into the rain belt. (It is raining as I write this, though, so I should feel a bit better about life--except we've got hay down).

What I'm over, though, is living a life so dependent on factors we can't control--like the weather and the markets.  I'm over seeing my husband and sons work their tails off and see the fruits of their labor wither and die or get destroyed by a hail storm or be worth nothing when they try to sell it.

I'm over working so hard to make a living that we don't have a life.  No time for fun or enough time with family.

I'm over worrying about the financial picture, not just for us, but for my sons and their families, my brother-in-law and his family, our family corporation, my mother-in-law.  In all our 35 years of married life we have never had just ourselves to worry about.  That's what happens when you have a "family farm".

I'm over feeling like I have no voice, that no one cares what I think or feel.  My husband gets to choose when he retires from farming.  I don't get that choice.  I chose to get into it when I married him, but I'm not going to leave him just to get out of farming.  I have a feeling that my daughter-in-law is not going to take over all the management tasks that I've become responsible for so who do I turn that over to when I really say I'm done?

I'm over being the cheerleader, the glass half-full person when times are tough.  Today I'm feeling just as discouraged as he is, and I'm over listening to the same lament year after year.  But, I feel guilty if I tune him out or if I'm not supportive.  The other day I mentioned to my daughter-in-law that M was depressed because it hadn't rained at our house over the weekend when other places nearby had good rains.  Her response was, "if it's that bad he needs to do something else.  That's what I tell J."  Wow, if only it was that simple.  It made me sad that she doesn't get it....that it's not just a job, it's a lifestyle, a legacy.  Apparently, she doesn't feel bad about not being supportive.  So, I'm guessing she's not going to take over the cheerleader role either.

I used to look forward to going to my job in town, but lately I'm over that, too.  My boss is crabby and ruins it for me, and I have a hard time going back after lunch.

And now, I'm taking care of my mom....but not very well.  She's miserable, and I can't make it better so I'm definitely over that.

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed right now....